When your loved one dies: the bedside vigil, watching all night

There was a period in our recent history when death moved outside the home to hospitals and funeral homes. Miracle drugs were invented, so people went to the hospital to live, even when those miracle drugs weren’t going to cure what ultimately ailed people. But unrealistic hopes of postponing and preventing death in the long term began to rise. You wanted to go where people could do more for you, even when the kindest thing might have been less extraordinary measures. It was not (and sometimes still is not) easy to find a place to be at the bedside in hospitals and nursing homes. Thus, people often slide to their deaths in fairly sanitized environments without the comfort of their families.

But now the pendulum is slowly swinging back to include bedside vigils, whether in hospitals, nursing homes, hospices, or in the safe familiarity of home. Now our problem is that we are a couple of generations away from knowing what to do while keeping the dying company.

It is an incredible privilege to be with people, to watch over them as they die. Sometimes it is also terrifying because the process of dying is under control and you are there only as a witness and a comforter. Things don’t go any faster because they’re hard to watch and we wish for the end. They do not slow down because we are reluctant to let our loved one die.

Here are some simple things that, if you can focus on them, will sustain you and comfort your loved one when he or she walks out of life.

• Presence: This is the sweetest gift. Just be there. Whether you are a family gathered around the bed quietly exchanging stories, laughing, singing, praying or just being there witnessing. You can read a favorite book or psalm, sing a favorite hymn, or tell them how important they have been in your life. People have said that it is helpful to talk about people they know who have already left life, even to give a message to someone who is already on the other side. It can ease your step. But remember, the bed of someone who is dying is no place for family tension. Take it outside or set it aside, really aside, and be there for your loved one, for the dead, and for each other.
• Comfort: Make sure your loved one is comfortable. You know pretty quickly if they’re agitated. There is no reason why the last hours of a person’s life should be marked by pain or discomfort. The hospice movement has come a long way and works to ensure peace for people. It can be frustrating if you’re away from home and have to chase people down to administer medicine, change positions, or find more or fewer blankets. But it is one of the sweetest gifts you will give. Dying is very hard work. You can help this way.
• Sound: Sound is apparently the last sense we lose. So put on some music. Sing. Tell stories. Tell him or her how much you love them. Tell them about her grandchildren. Keep it quiet: You don’t want to tie them to this world, but you do want to reassure them that life goes on.
• open hands: This may be your most difficult task. You want people to know that it’s okay for them to leave you. And you have to let it be. When someone is ready to die, that’s it. Asking them to stay longer is selfish. One of the greatest gifts of love is loving them to the next world.

People were shocked when I wrote about my mother’s death and described it as labor. But it was that. Dying is often difficult. Our bodies are built to prolong life and our instinct is for life. Many people work themselves to death. His death is an amazing relief and release. It is a kind of birth, regardless of what you believe about the afterlife. And for all you skeptics, I must say that I have never been with a dying person who didn’t relax into death with a peaceful expression on their face. It’s actually very comforting, which you don’t know unless you stay the course.

All that said, some people just can’t die with their loved ones in the room. They wait until we escape to eat something, get some fresh air, or go to the bathroom. Many people see this as a failure on your part, but often it’s just a sign of the depth of the bond between you. Sometimes love binds the heart long after the body is actually capable of sustaining life. Be open to the process. Do what you can, that’s all you can ask of yourself. However it unfolds, your vigil is a wonderful gift to you and your loved one through your death and death. Your love for them and theirs for you will sustain you now and when they are gone from this realm.