Taking the Father: Child Sperm Donors and Family Constellations

life is what happens

when you are busy

Making other plans.

-John Lennon

The meeting of a sperm and an egg results in a baby, regardless of whether it is a melee, in vitro fertilization, surrogate mothers or sperm donor fathers. Families now come in all shapes and sizes. A child, however, still needs a biological father plus a biological mother to be created.

In most cases we can tell the child that he was conceived with love (even in a test tube), but not so with sperm donor parents. At some point in his life, the child will ask about his biological father; in the movie “The Kids Are All Right,” fifteen-year-old Laser asks her eighteen-year-old sister, Joni, to contact her sperm donor father; she wants to meet him but is not old enough to initiate contact himself.

Joni and Laser, and their mothers Jules and Nic are a close loving family. The kids are fine; adults are going through some problems of their own at this point in their lives. Enter the “sperm donor”, Mark. Initially shocked by the request, he agrees to meet his biological children and they slowly begin to bond and create a relationship much to the mother’s distress.

From the point of view of Family Constellations, each individual has a unique energy field that changes and fluctuates depending on their physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health. This field is deeply connected with the family in the first instance. And the family was made up of ALL its members, including the biological fathers/sperm donors. When a family member is excluded, such as the donor parent here, the family’s energy field has a void. A child is both parents – in this case we will add one more mother to the picture – when asked to exclude one of them implicitly (without ever mentioning it) or explicitly, the soul of the child suffers and tries to remedy it. situation throughout their lives in very creative ways. All the information of the excluded parents is included in your energy field, it is encoded in your DNA at the level of genetic memory, and it does not matter at all if you have never met the biological father.

By “Taking” the Father in Family Constellations we mean taking him as he is, with no strings attached. For example, when we breathe we take in all the air; we can’t be picky about not inhaling pollution or microbes. We can try to be selective by not breathing, but as a consequence we can cease to exist. So “Taking the Father” would be equivalent to taking a deep breath and taking in all the air around me. It may not be the best air quality, and the pollution it contains may be harmful; but breathing is certainly better than not breathing. If I stop breathing, I will die, and if I breathe shallowly, I will get sick.

So when a father, even a sperm donor, gives his genes, he also gives everything he is, and we can’t say “I’ll take the sperm and leave the rest.” Taking the Father means, then, taking all that life gives you when life comes to you through that specific person, honoring the gift and the giver. Granted, when the man donates his sperm, he does not seek to meet his offspring at a later date. We are speaking here from the point of view of the energy field.

Here are some tips for including the sperm donor father in the family system:

Prepare for this moment. Every time you look at your baby, child, youth, teen, adult, visualize the sperm donor father behind him. A good phrase to repeat internally would be: “With your help I was able to bring this child to life. It was a great gift, I see you and I honor you as the biological father of my son.

1. To the child: “I chose him as your biological father. I kindly see you meet him if that is your wish. In you I honor him.”

The father can say:

1. To the child: “I am happy to meet you. You have a place in my heart as my son. You can take me as your father. In you I honor your mother and I am grateful for all she has done to keep you alive.” and well.”
2. To the mom (or moms in the film): “I am grateful that you have chosen me as your biological father and I honor all that you have done to support this child with the life that I helped conceive. See me friendly if we now get to know each other.” “. Each other.”

The child can say:

1. To the father: “I take what you have given me with love.”
2. To the mom/moms: “Dear mom, look nice if I take my father. You chose him for me. I will always be your son.”

In the film, Laser looks longingly at his friend living in difficult conditions with his father. Later, when he is with Marc (the sperm donor); she develops the inner strength to break off a relationship with an abusive friend, something her mother wanted her to do. The movie doesn’t have a happy ending, and I can’t elaborate on all the issues here.

Would Joni and Laser’s “Taking the Father” solve their problems? Probably not; they have met him and can now decide where they want to go from here with this relationship, thus putting their family system in order. “Taking” the father does not necessarily mean that they cultivate a relationship with him; children can be satisfied knowing who he is.

“The children are fine”, film by Lisa Cholodenko, 2010.