Intimacy and core wounds

Unlike the kind of association and dependency that many of us seek to complement our lives, the love and romance addict looks for someone outside of himself to provide the emotional stability that is lacking within. By working to escape their own emptiness, they can find troubled or emotionally challenged partners to focus on, thus gifting others with what they most want for themselves.

“I did not know that marriage would be so difficult.” – To the client

Going into a long-term intimate relationship at first seems alive, safe, and grounded. However, as each person grows and deepens, communications between couples begin to become more challenging, full of conflict. What happens? As a child, you witness and absorb the relationship of your parents, you experience the way the family expresses feelings and beliefs, which inform your beliefs about intimacy. A client told me that her husband believed that they did not have to work on their marriage. That they could just slip away, let the conflict go by. You don’t have to argue, change or grow. It just is what it is. However, doing nothing, not making decisions, not communicating, leads to numb, dead, and empty relationships. Look around. Read the statistics. One in three couples is divorced.

Romantic love, true love, and happy endings are the last part of a long-term relationship journey. However, it comes after many trials and tribulations of learning the wisdom of life. We enter into relationships with DNA, genes, family-of-origin patterns, hurts, beliefs, values, and attitudes different from those of our partners. At first we say, this person will complete my life, fill in the gaps. It takes two years for all parts of the shadow – the deepest feelings / beliefs from the core wounds, the unresolved childhood memories – to surface. These behaviors and emotions begin to manifest in the relationship through unconscious patterns and defenses that prevent love from growing. Your husband becomes your father. Your wife becomes your mother. Emotionally, you represent childhood wounds that were never fulfilled. We are blinded, by denying who we marry or betrothed to. We see fantasies, delusions, and true love stories that fail us in adulthood.

I think we came to our relationships through destiny. We are attracted to another at first because of various physical characteristics and values. For the most part, we are not aware of what lies beneath the surface. Your conscious mind develops the “idea” of love and relationship, but it is your learned subconscious beliefs that eventually begin to control the dynamics of the relationship. You are surprised when you realize that your partner is addicted, or cold, or distant, or relentless, or repressed, or needy, or authoritarian, or, or, or … The signs, doubts and fears that you reject about the other, everything that feels uncomfortable, unnameable and uncomfortable, you ignore. You believe that everything you care about about your partner will change, disappear or disappear once you are united in marriage. Yes, in the beginning, you see the heart and soul of the person. The goodness of who this person really is.

But you are here to solve the human dilemma that every person has. You are the mirror of the strengths and weaknesses that your partner brings to the relationship. The intimate relationship is a journey. It is a spiritual path to awaken all that is hidden and uncomfortable. It forces us to step out of the box, open our hearts deeply, heal and grow. The triggers that your partner will unleash on you require knowledge of intimate communication for the relationship to thrive; the language of expressing feelings, needs and desires.

To understand what it takes to grow, change, and keep the sparks alive in a committed marriage or relationship, start by understanding core wounds.

Central wounds – The center

A central wound begins in childhood. It is any hurt, neglected, neglected or abusive behavior that has caused some kind of damage to self-esteem. We all have central wounds. Once a central wound is activated, the original place, memory, event or series of events is ignited. A couple may have a certain tone of voice, or body language, or values ​​about money, and the time they spend together decreases: sexuality and affection decrease. Suddenly you feel trapped, you feel emotionally repressed or numb. It is a domino effect, everything inside you that has been hurt and neglected rises, and what was in denial comes to light. This other no longer seems to be the answer to your dreams. That’s when the true work of true love begins in a long-term relationship. When each one has to face the realities of the hurts, needs and feelings of others. Judgment, guilt and resentment accumulate. This is the time to find the deepest and most important aspect of commitment; to discover central wound healing and family patterns of origin. Become allies on a true love healing / spiritual journey.

Central wound: There are layers of trauma, memories, and experiences that form a central wound. There are feelings, thoughts, behaviors, and patterns that defend and protect the core wound because it is too painful and too great for the child to feel. The child, when first hurt, cannot bear the amount of emotional pain, so the child finds coping skills, behaviors, and defenses to numb these hurt emotions. Usually the child will represent what he learned from family patterns; Some families repress, others are enraged, others manipulate, others blame, others care, others are superior and control, the patterns are infinite. Unless the original feeling, belief, experience, and memory are released, the core wound becomes unconscious, defended, and destructive beliefs, actions, and feelings.

Core wounds are deep cellular emotional experiences and scars that have shaped beliefs and feelings that develop into patterns. It is layered to reach a central wound (memory / experience), to release it emotionally, energetically, psychologically and physically. To change negative thoughts and feelings about oneself, a person has to be willing to go back and regain the original self, the authentic self from before the trauma occurred. It takes vigilance and determination to uncover core wounds. It is not a comfortable process. That’s because it took many years, energy, and protection to survive the central wound.

Wounded fundamental beliefs: I am not lovable. I’m not worth it, I’m not worth it I’m bad, I’m wrong, everyone hates me, I’ll never get what I want, I’m stupid. I have to be good to be loved. Those are core beliefs. These beliefs are sometimes conscious, sometimes not. Tara Brach, PHD calls it “the trance of unworthiness.” Sometimes you may be aware of a central wound and where it started, and still cannot change it. Consciousness does not necessarily change beliefs. This is where risk comes in. By releasing the central wound, you have dug into the fascia muscle, the cellular energy of your familiar pattern, and you have learned to feel, express, and receive. You have to tell the truth. This requires courage and a willingness to receive and take responsibility for the consequences of its expression. Core wounds are specific to each individual, personal history – about money, relationships, creative potential, intelligence, and body image – based on the specific beliefs that families teach their children, directly or indirectly so what they say, how they treat you, how they treat you. mirror back to you: validate or invalidate it.

Unspoken Hurt Emotions: The feelings that accompany the central wounds; self-hatred, grievance, anger, pain, fear, terror. These are the feelings that mostly remain numb, so the person does not feel the negative belief or feel the memory or experience that traumatized them. The child cannot contain these feelings or express them; they freeze, flee or attack and go to sleep to survive. He begins to cover the wound …

Injured behaviors: Then there are the behaviors; control, power, manipulation, isolation, reaction, defense, paranoia, guilt, lack of follow-through, hypervigilance, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, collapse, seizure, fast speaking, not speaking, habits, idiosyncrasy, denial, deception, lying. Rejecting or clinging behaviors, exaggeration at both ends. A type of thinking and behavior of one or the other. Lack of vulnerability, forgiveness, and acceptance. Judgment controls every thought and feeling.

Injured family patrons: Then there are the patterns; victim / victimizer, special / useless, retainer, addict, martyr, complacent, savior, abuser, seducer. For the most part, these are unconscious behaviors and must be made aware. These patterns are known as co-dependent. Most do not see these behaviors in themselves. They see it in others, but are blinded to their own participation and action by them. These are deep patterns of defense. They are energetic, long-lived, and generational. They must be changed, layer by layer, step by step, with each situation, relationship, and event that occurs.

The memories, for example: your memory of the beating, the verbal criticism, the emotional judgments, all the abusive rejection, the details of how you feel hurt and how you were abandoned are unique to you. These memories have feelings and beliefs that shape your self-esteem and image. Each one builds the central wound. It solidifies it each time, triggers it when something similar reminds you of that experience or memory, then you react. There is a saying: “When a snake bites you, you are afraid of a rope.” This is how a wounded core memory works. You may not even know why you are afraid of a rope until you unfreeze the original memory of being bitten by the snake. Of course, there are layers for every person. It is not just one event and, at the same time, one wakes up, feeling that the body memory can open many; a domino effect. That is why it is important to go step by step. The pain of the original injury or abuse can be overwhelming. The knowledge, the feeling, the reality that one has been abused, can be known in the mind, but once it hits the body it can be very explosive and shocking. Compassion, patience, and openness take a lot of energy. At the same time, repressing all these hurts requires a lot of energy, which can lead to exhaustion, physical symptoms, depression, anxiety, addiction, etc.

For the most part, these complex feelings and behaviors are created to protect, defend, and keep the injured child safe. This is how you learned to cope, survive, and remain numb to trauma. Most of it is unconscious. The person does not even know that he feels or acts in a destructive way. They may know they are unhappy and not getting what they want, and they know they have been abused, but cannot identify, locate, or feel any of the above. The process consists of bringing the unconscious into consciousness. It takes courage and risk.

In an intimate relationship, you are bringing all of this to the table. Unless you are willing to go on this healing journey together, with your partner as an ally and guru helping you see yourself through all the veils of defense in a subtle way, the relationship will remain frozen and dead. Intimacy is a constant awakening. It is for those who have the courage to feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and find the strength to open their hearts to all that is painful and joyful.

To truly love deeply you need to feel your heart broken. This heart softens, awakens, and allows the hottest, most intense, and passionate emotions to exist within the relationship. Intimacy is messy, exciting, and terrifying. It is the most exciting journey in life.