How to get your happiness back by breaking the cycle of self-inflicted suffering

While some people manage to retain their happiness, most of us become more unhappy than happy when we enter high school. What happened? We were taught three “facts” that set the stage for a lifetime of unhappiness: “Life is scary,” “Life is less scary if you accumulate stuff.” and “You and everyone else must follow the rules.” Those who accept these “facts” without question begin a life of what I call “The Cycle of Self-Inflicted Suffering.”

The Cycle of Self-Inflicted Suffering has four stages: a. Fear, Need and a sense of Obligation. b. Petitions. against disappointment. and d. Anger, resentment and guilt. The Cycle then returns to Fear/Need/Duty and continues throughout an unhappy person’s life unless the Cycle is broken.

Break the Cycle of Self-Inflicted Suffering and you will regain your happiness. But how to break the cycle? The only way to break the cycle is to consciously reject one or more of the three false “facts” we were taught.

Here are four ways to break the cycle of self-inflicted suffering…

1. Question your needs. It’s human nature to want more “stuff” and stock up for a “rainy day,” but happiness doesn’t come from houses, cars, electronics, a bank account, or a retirement fund. Make a list of everything you don’t have that you think you need. Make a list of everything you have that you think you couldn’t live without. Now cross off everything on the first list and at least half of the items on the second list. Not only do you not need those things, most of them create more unhappiness than happiness. Feeling needy is a great source of unhappiness that can be eliminated through conscious choice and a continued commitment to simplicity. Also question your non-material needs. Happy relationships are wonderful, but you don’t have to be in a relationship. If you are single, get rid of the thought that something is missing and just live each day with joy.

2. Confront the fear of the unknown. Our greatest fear is the fear of the unknown. It could also be called fear of the future because the future is unknown. The way to begin to reduce fear of the unknown is to confront that fear. Acknowledge that you don’t know what tomorrow may bring and that is scary. Once you have shed a light on the fear of the unknown, you can approach that fear with courage and, if you believe in a Higher Power, with faith and trust in ultimate goodness.

3. Grant yourself Freedom. Most of us have spent our entire lives believing that we have enormous obligations. Our parents heaped obligations on us, then our schools, our church, our community, our friends and family. Stop! There is almost nothing you really need to do. You really do have choices about what you do and what you don’t do. Every time you start a thought with “I need to…” or “I have to…”, pause and ask yourself who is demanding that you do that and what the consequences would be if you did something else instead. Make the decisions YOU want to make. Take actions out of conscious choice and not out of fear or thoughtless habit.

4. Grant Freedom to others. This is the flip side of #3. Heaven never opened with a loud voice pronouncing how others should dress, speak, vote, worship, spend their free time, manage their money, or raise their children. Your opinions about how others should behave are simply your opinions, and expecting others to conform to those opinions is one of the main causes of unhappiness. Live and let live, you will be much happier for it.