Dealing with Difficult Participants: How to Handle the Quiet or Withdrawn

All coaches have to handle difficult participants at one time or another. Whether the difficult learner is a talker or a know-it-all, a fighter or an argumentative person, a quiet or withdrawn person, a complainer, an unconsciously incompetent person, a distractor or a rambler, the trainer needs to know what to do and what not to do when managing behavior, and how to avoid taking it personally. This article is about the Quiet or Withdrawn, who makes no effort to be part of the discussion.

The Quiet or Withdrawn is Quiet, non-participative, passive in the group. Doesn’t make an effort to be a part of the discussion. You may be shy, depressed, fearful, tired, or have a negative attitude toward the group, the instructor, or the process.

special notes: This behavior can be difficult for a trainer looking for interaction and feedback. However, the participant may not intend to be difficult. Some students are very cerebral and deliberate. They need time to absorb and reflect on the content. Your method of active participation may be taking a lot of notes or listening very carefully.

This person can be very shy and uncomfortable speaking in large groups.

There may be a political reason: senior management may be in the room, and the person may not feel comfortable speaking in front of them.

On the other hand, this may be passive/aggressive behavior with the intent to make a statement through non-participation.

What a coach can do:

In front of the group:

• Be respectful.
• Allow time at the beginning of each interactive exercise for participants to read and work independently before beginning group discussions.
• Engage the participant by asking a question that directly relates to their situation or concern.
• Subtly incorporate the person into the group by using their name in hypothetical examples or stories.
• Have participants form pairs rather than immediately working in large or small groups. This will be more comfortable for the shy person.
• Always offer observer roles as options for role-plays, games, or simulations.
• Call this person by name and ask for an opinion.
• Ask him an easy question that he or she is sure to answer well, then praise him.
• Draw this person.

If the withdrawer has opted for a very overt behavior to announce his decision not to participate:

• Draw the person out of the room, either during an exercise or at a break.
• Determine the reason for the behavior.
• Explain the impact of the behavior on the group and the instructor.
• Bid options: participate or leave the session.

In private:

• During a break, ask the person if the training is meeting their needs, or just engage in small talk. Sometimes that one-on-one interaction will create enough comfort for the person to start talking in class.
• Get the person’s permission to tell a story or example that they told you that is relevant to the content of the training.
• Name the behavior and ask if there is anything you can do differently to make the participant more comfortable speaking.
• Provide constructive feedback on the impact of the behavior on the session, the participants and/or the trainer.
• Coach the person to select a more constructive behavior.
• Co-opt the person: ask for their help.

What a coach should NOT do:

• Come to the conclusion that the participant is choosing to be difficult.
• Interpret the participant’s lack of verbal response as an indication of lack of interest.
• Get frustrated.
• Focus all of your attention on trying to engage the quiet one.
• Ignore the participant.

real life example: I had just started a training program for an organization. While the rest of the group worked on their assigned exercise, one man (who, of course, sat right in the middle of the classroom!) just sat there, hands folded over his unopened participant packet. Actually, he was quite extraordinary. Everyone else at his table was working on the exercise together, trying to pretend he wasn’t there. It was very clear that he had to do something about the situation, and I’ll admit that I was a bit worried about it, because he was an extremely big man, a clearly unhappy, extremely big man.

I decided to call a break earlier than I had planned. I made sure to leave the room with this man and quietly asked if we could talk. When we got to a place away from the others, I told him that I was worried. I noticed that he had not opened his materials and wondered why. He explained with some vehemence that he had been asked to attend this workshop, that this had required a very early start in the morning to drive to the site from his home several hours away, and that the content of the workshop was something he already knew. According to him, the day was going to be a total waste.

His concerns seemed legitimate enough, and I told him that I could appreciate how upset he must be. I then asked him to realize that I had nothing to do with these matters. I was simply running a training program that my client felt was necessary for the participants. If my session was really going to duplicate the training he had already received, it didn’t make sense to me that he would have to stay. I promised him that he could leave the training without any penalty or repercussions.

He replied that he could not leave, because he had driven with another person who was in training. I calmly pointed out that if he remained so obviously withdrawn from training, it would reflect negatively on my credibility and create a very uncomfortable situation for everyone. I suggested that he spend the day at a mall that was only a block away, or see if he could use someone’s office on site.

To my complete surprise, he asked if he could stay if I promised to participate! I replied that I would be happy for him to do that, and he was a wonderful and active member of the class for the rest of the day! Even her evaluation of the session was positive!

Apparently having the opportunity to take her frustration out on someone who was non-judgmental and validated her concerns made a world of difference. I think he appreciated my attempt to improve a bad situation and returned the favor. It probably didn’t hurt to make it clear that I wasn’t the bad guy here, I was just doing the job I was hired to do for the benefit of others.

Comment: When faced with any difficult behavior, we need to be able to step back and objectively assess what the root cause of the behavior might be.. Why would someone walk out of class in such a quietly aggressive manner?

I didn’t know, so I had to ask. You’ve already read his reasons, and they were very legitimate. He did not feel that his bosses had respected his needs, his experience, his previous training or his time. So he expressed his anger in a passive-aggressive way. He was just conducting his own nonviolent protest.

When difficult behavior starts almost immediately, we can be relatively sure that WE are not the problem. The problems entered with the participant.

It might be helpful in these circumstances if we had a stack of boosters available. Then we could ask the participants to take a piece of paper, write down what they are worried about and place the folded paper in the envelope. The envelope should be sealed and placed behind the last page of the participant’s packet or folder. We can assure you that the topics will be there at the end of the session, but you won’t have to worry about them for now. They can just relax and enjoy the class.

In the next article, we will see how to manage the Complainer.