A review of loss
As we prepare for the arrival of another little one in our home, we have been reviewing old memories of the first time we adopted. Both of our adopted children are teenagers now and have a different perspective than they did in the past. More aware now, they are considering how they felt when they came into the family at ages 5 and 6.
Tim and I are remembering all the ways we worked to make them feel loved and accepted. We’re considering the hours of role-playing we did (along with Ezra, who was eight years old at the time) to be able to respond to disruptive and often violent behavior. The conversations and reports that took place at the end of each long and often grueling day were filled with frustration, but also encouragement and recognition of milestones.
Everyone in the house has been doing pretty well for a while now. We have what we would consider a normal rejection of hormonal adolescents, but in general, things are fine, I guess you could say, normal. BUT, there are things that happen that in the back of my mind I know I could prevent by approaching my children in a similar way that I did when they first came home. The problem is balance. How do you know what comes from feelings of rejection and what is just an old sin? I think any parent whose child has been traumatized has to grapple with what trauma is and what it is to be a rebellious human being. Unfortunately, the people around us who are watching often feel that the kids should be “over it” by now. When that happens, the temptation is to discipline everyone around you the same way, and you miss the opportunity to address the real pain and work to heal. On the other hand, though, an even bigger question I’ve been grappling with lately is: am I making excuses for my kids when they mess up?
We have been going to family counseling to prepare for this adoption and our counselor agrees that children with histories of trauma often relapse in adolescence. It was good to hear that. (Not because I want them to relapse, but because it confirms my suspicions.) It’s been good to hear that we’re not crazy about being wary about falling too hard when contradictions start. All that to say, I feel like we’re a bit rusty. These kids have been bears for almost 8 years. They belong to us and we have bonded the way a father SHOULD bond with his child. With that comes the feeling that we’re done with the “special” parenting part, but that’s not necessarily true.
I’m thankful that we’re going through training again. Grateful for the reminders that trauma doesn’t just “go away.” I’m glad for the renewed conversations and honing of rusty skills. In a video we watched, the therapist emphasized that raising adopted children is clearly different from raising biological children. He comes with emotional baggage on both sides that just isn’t there when you physically deliver a baby. I instinctively know (as I suppose most adoptive parents do), but it’s good to hear it from someone else. I also know that his bread does not end. He hits them, like any grievance, at unexpected times. It manifests itself in bad behavior, but also in obvious signs of mourning.
After all, they still cry from missing their old adoptive family. They still have terrible memories of neglect and abuse. The loss, for them, began early and they still suffer from it. The question in my mind then is, how much to focus on the loss? It’s not your whole life. They have a lot of good things going on, a lot of good things to look forward to.
We take it as it comes then. When loss and injury stare us in the face, we respond and in between we laugh, love and have fun. Isn’t that the way we should always approach life?
“Which of you by toiling can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this little thing, why bother about the rest? Consider how the wild flowers grow. They neither toil nor spin. Yet, I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God thus clothed the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you? faith! And do not pay attention to what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the heathen world is after all these things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these also will come to you. they will give you things. Fear not, little flock, for it has pleased your Father to give you the kingdom. The words of Jesus in Luke 12:25-32