My husband says he wants to get his old life back and wants a divorce

I recently heard from a wife who said it felt like the rug had been pulled from under her. She had only been married for a couple of years, but she and her husband had recently bought a house and started trying to start a family. But then, out of nowhere, her husband sat her down and told her that he didn’t feel like married life “agreed” with him. He said that he did not believe that he was destined to be married and that he was probably not the right man for the wife. He told her that he deserved better and that he wanted to get back his “old life”, where he did not have all these responsibilities. He assured his wife that he would find someone “more adult” and better prepared to start a family.

Needless to say, the wife was overwhelmed and beyond devastated. And frankly, I didn’t know where all this was coming from. The husband seemed excited and engaged when they brought the house and planned their family. And now, all of a sudden, he wanted a divorce because of his own cold feet? Of course, the wife was terrified of being left alone in a big house, but more than that, she loved her husband. She wanted a future with him and firmly believed that he had wanted it too.

He wondered if there were any signs he hadn’t seen or if he was just seeing things he wanted to see. And she found it hard to believe that the husband could simply declare that the marriage was not for him and walk away so easily. He asked me what women usually do in this situation. Frankly, the answer to this is as individual as the couples themselves. But since it was clear to her that she didn’t want to leave without doing everything possible to save the marriage, I offered her some ideas, which I’ll share now.

Sometimes the responsibilities of being married scare husbands. But with a plan, space and time, things can get better: I think the fact that this couple had been married for a short time was quite revealing. And, the fact that they were preparing to take big strides, like being homeowners and parents, probably played a role as well. It is likely that the husband looked around and suddenly saw how different his life was now compared to the way it used to be.

And this comparison may have made you feel scared and uncomfortable. I’m not saying this is entirely fair. The wife had also changed her lifestyle and had some anxiety too, but you didn’t see her run away. However, the fact was that the husband had these feelings, so rather than denying them or trying to magically erase them (which was probably not that likely), the preferable option was probably to deal with the problem at hand.

And I felt that the wife would be more successful if she approached this from a place of understanding rather than a place of disappointment. Yes, it was probably quite tempting to blurt out that he was being immature and cowardly. And these descriptions may well have been accurate. But saying this to a man who is already struggling to be a responsible adult is probably not the best option.

And sometimes this anxiety and fear on the part of the husband can be solved if he has a little patience and plays it right. You want him to know that, as his wife, you want him to be happy. If this situation came too soon, all of that could be changed. The idea is to change the situation more than the marriage.

How to react when your husband says he wants to get his old life back: This sentence was somewhat offensive to the wife. Because honestly, when the husband was single, he was immature and had no real goals. I told the wife that I was probably not saying that I wanted to be a little boy with no responsibilities. What he was probably saying was that he wanted some time to enjoy fun times with his wife and friends before committing to being a parent or being someone else’s only support.

This seemed very self-centered and immature to the wife and it is possible that she was right about it. But, the undeniable fact was that he felt that way, so as a wife, she needed to respect this and open the discussion. Because I didn’t think it was impossible to reach a compromise. Nothing said that the wife could not offer her husband more free time with her or her friends. And nothing said they couldn’t make the decision to delay parenting until they were both ready.

Sure, the wife didn’t want to wait to start a family. But she had to admit that waiting and having her husband was better than pushing too hard and sitting alone at home. I suggested that he try to get him to have an honest conversation about this so that he could get a feel for the things the husband found most troublesome. Once you had a good idea of ​​what was really bothering him, you could work on making compromises that would make you both happy.

He was pretty sure there was a happy middle ground somewhere. Yes, their marriage had come quickly and suddenly they were husbands with a mortgage and this made the husband feel pressured. But there was also a lot of love between them and he suspected that if the wife focused on love rather than conflict with some very deliberate actions at the right time, she might see improvement, which was what she really wanted even if she was angry.