8 tips for navigating the school year with a very troubled ex
Getting through the school year is hard enough, but trying to get through the school year with a high-conflict co-parent is even more difficult. Here are some tips for reducing stress.
1. Make sure the school has all the important information they will need for each of you. Taking the time to provide the postal address, email address, and any other relevant contact information for each parent will save some time and pain. This information should include copies of your custody agreement and parental access agreement so the school knows who the primary caregiver is during the course of each school day. Schools must, by law, follow the custody agreement and, unless permission has been given otherwise, cannot release your child to the other parent if it is not their parenting time.
2. Any school documents you receive and need to share with your ex must be scanned and emailed or delivered by certified mail. By using these methods, you are protecting yourself from the accusation of excluding your ex from your child’s education. Please remember, sending papers with your child to your ex is putting the child in the middle. Never put your child in the middle.
3. Money is a hot topic for a very contentious ex and this is where a strong agreement between fathers and mothers comes into play. Some people feel that if they pay child support, then they shouldn’t be responsible for paying for other additional costs that come with school, such as tuition, field trips, Santa shops, and casual dress days. By having a solid agreement between parents, you can avoid the conflict that comes with the financial aspects of the school. For example: Joe agreed to pay for all the private school expenses, but because everything was not described in detail, Sarah ended up paying over $ 1000 in additional expenses related to sending her son to a private school. Don’t prepare! Know your agreement! But don’t make it a battle. Remember, your child is the important person and if he needs money for something at school, give it to him instead of putting it in the middle of a battle. They have enough on their plates to get through the year without parents fighting over money. If you are the parent responsible for the extra expenses and your child will be staying with your ex the night before to Santa’s store or field trip, be sure to provide the money to your child before they leave.
4. Using a shared calendar with your ex so that each of you can put activities and homework schedules for the child will alleviate some of the confusion in communicating with your ex. Everything is fine there for all to see. This method also serves to demonstrate to court workers (judges, attorneys, therapists, GAL) how effectively each of you communicates, shares parenting, and meets the educational needs of the child. There are a multitude of great programs for parents to communicate. It is up to you to find one that suits your needs.
5. Request that your school provide 2 sets of textbooks for your child so that both you and your ex can have a set in your own homes. By choosing to do this, you reduce the chance that your child will not have the right books to study, do homework, or take to school and that reduces stress on your child.
6. Plan ahead when it comes to school projects. Help your child start projects early so they can be done early and at the parent’s home the night before the due date.
7. Teacher conferences are held several times during the school year. Consult your co-parent’s agreement to let you know who is responsible for attending, if they should go together, have separate appointments, only one parent, or if an independent representative should attend. It is up to you to know your agreement.
8. Never speak negatively about your ex to teachers, the principal, or administrative staff. Your job is to educate your child, not to play as a therapist. While most schools understand divorced or separated homes and are willing to meet their needs, they prefer to be neutral and that should be respected.
Remember that this is your child’s education, so forget what is “fair” and put your child’s needs before your own emotional responses. The goal is for your child to be stress free and the school year to run smoothly.